Imagine you walk into Target to buy some useless stuff and while you’re in the dollar section, you see a face. A person. Someone who you may have gone to highschool or college with. You notice her body looks different. Way different. You start to feel sorry for her. She’s really just let herself go. What a shame. She used to have such a nice figure.
” That woman must have just given up.”
“At least my legs aren’t that stumpy, like hers.”
” I wonder when was the last time she showered. Doesn’t she know how to use dry shampoo?”
I am the first person to admit that I am JudgyMcjudgerson over here, and I’ve thought all of those thoughts and more. I like to preach that I’m this slightly crunchy, non-judgmental, *do what you want* kind of friend to other moms, but I’m not. I’m a jerk. Total jerk. A jerk who’s judging and watching your every move to make myself feel like a superior person. A superior mom.
It’s super easy to make fun of other moms. We all do it, but for some reason today this really just struck a nerve with me.
I no longer weigh 130 lbs. I no longer have beautiful hair. My eyesite is getting worse. I have excess skin where I used to have my flat tummy. These breasts were once perky, but after breastfeeding for over four years…they look like two pathetic fried eggs. What if I’m that person that you see? What if you see me and you immediately think, ” Omg. She’s really let herself go.”
I would die of embarrassment if I knew. If I knew what you were thinking of me, I would cry and throw myserlf into a pit of self-pity and depression. I struggle everyday with my body, and how I percieve it.
Maybe I should start actually letting myself go.
Maybe I should start loving myself. Maybe I should accept and admire this body of mine that has brought three human beings into the world. Maybe I should notice my dimples and smile. Maybe I should forgive these breasts for needing an extra push because they’ve nourished three little people. Maybe I should laugh at the grey hairs, instead of pulling them out.
It’s easy to look at someone else and jump to conclusions about them. Fat? Well, they’re lazy. Tired? Well, no one in the world is as tired as you. Yelling at their kids? Well, you would NEVER do that in public.
(HA. I literally told two of my kids that I was leaving them forever in Kroger today, because they just wouldn’t stop fighting.)
I’m so sorry for being that person. For being the one thanking God that I”m not that fat. We’re all in this mess together. It’s motherhood. I can be the worst selfish, jugmental, bitch that you’ve ever met, and it’s made me a bad friend, wife, and mother. I want to rewrite my narrative. I want to accept and love others, while loving myself as well.
It’s time to accept that perhaps, we should all let ourselves go. You can’t ever expect change without a challenge. For myself, this is the biggest challenege.
Letting go. ( This in no way, shape, or form is an advertisment for Frozen or any songs relating to letting go of anything…because, we’re all so FUCKING SICK OF FROZEN.)
By letting go, I hope that I become a person who spreads love and self acceptance. By letting go I hope that I learn to toss aside judgement and offer up love. We only have today. Make a difference.