This past weekend was a blast celebrating St. Patricks Day.
Or, what I should say is, I think it was a blast, because I can’t remember a damn thing. It’s a miracle I even made it home. Sunday morning I woke up just filled with dread. Absolute dread. I’m a 31 year old mom of three amazing kids, and I decided to get black out drunk? What if something had happened to me? Some sort of switch just went off in my brain and I realized… This has to stop.
When I became a mom I would spend hours looking at peoples instagram accounts with funny jokes about moms, coffee, and always wine. It seemed obvious that all moms need coffee in the morning and at 4 pm switch to wine. That’s just how you get through the day right?
So, I bought into this. I became a wino. I loooooooove wine. LOVE. Love, love, love. It was fun at first, drinking wine while cooking dinner for the family, or sipping some on my back porch with my friend at 2 pm on a Wednesday. I thought this was normal and cool. I thought I could handle it. But, it didn’t take long for one bottle of wine to turn into two and so on.
I realized that I was drinking way too much. Too many glasses while prepping dinner. Too many glasses at kids birthday parties. Too many glasses at family gatherings. Too many too often.
That’s not me. That’s not the kind of person I want to be. Alcoholism runs in my family, I have always been hyper aware of that fact. So, this past weekend my mom asked me if I thought I could just stop, and my answer was yes. Absolutely.
So, that’s what I’m doing over here. Taking a break. I never could connect the dots together before, but drinking certainly has not helped me climb out of the darkness of my postpartum depression, anxiety and ocd. In fact, I’m pretty sure it made it significantly worse. I feel like I’ve been wearing beer goggles for five years and I finally took them off.
I don’t know how long I’ll do this break. Maybe a few months. Maybe a few years. Maybe never again.
I’m not sure how this is all going to go. I just want my body, mind and heart to be healthy. I want to remember all the moments with my children day by day. Maybe this is the kick in the ass I needed to finally start taking care of myself. I’ve put everyone before me for so long (because, duh that’s what moms do), it’s time for some self-care.
Sober self-care. I’m excited about it.
Part of the reason that I’m sharing all of this with you, is that I need to hold myself accountable. My family will read this. My friends will read this, and I need people to call out my bullshit when it needs to be called out.
Life is so beautiful. We’re only here for a short amount of time. I’d rather live in these moments. Instead of living with my head in the toilet after a night of rough drinking. Maybe someday I will be able to just have one glass of wine. Maybe I won’t. Who knows? But, I’m giving this all I’ve got, because my family deserves it. I deserve it.
3 thoughts on “Sober.”
Congrats to you on taking this step! No matter the reason, stopping drinking can be hard to do. When I quit, one book in particular that really, really helped me was This Naked Mind. It put a lot of things about my drinking and drinking culture into perspective that I wouldn’t have thought about otherwise.
Good luck to you!
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Dearest,Darling Brave Katie, You have been a rockstar always in my mind and heart, welcome to the world living with what we think are our blemishes, you sharing your honest look at your life is so freaking cool, You’re rock star status remains intact and your daughters will continue to shine with and through your bravery,courage and love,ps your bd’ass courage and strength is shinning through! XO Yoga mats are excellent mini therapy sessions!, but you know that
First, I love that you are not just doing this for your family, but that you are doing it for yourself – that is so important. I also love that you just committed to a break without putting a label or time frame on it, I think it’s such a beautiful approach to take. Keep busy, go to yoga, listen to podcasts – keeping my mind on other things has been such a big help in my process early on. I’m glad I found your blog and will keep following along. I wish you the best!
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