How do I keep pants on my two-year-old? (and other questions…)

I’ve been a mom for almost five years now, and I still haven’t figured it all out. I doubt I ever will, but I wanted to share my own questions. I can’t be the only mom wondering about these issues…

1. WHY THE HELL DOES MY TWO YEAR OLD RUN AROUND NAKED ALL DAY LONG? (That escalated quickly, but I’ve cleaned up pee off of my hardwood floors more often than I’d like to admit.)
2. Why do my kids faces change when they’re about to have a tantrum? It’s like seeing that horrible scene in “Insidious”, when the devil is right behind that guy in the chair and you’re like, “OH NO! I NEVER SAW THIS COMING!”. Fiona does this thing where she bites her lip and gets all pouty and big eyed. I hate it. I know I’m going to fall for it, and she does too.
3. Why do my kids throw every single roll of toilet paper in the house into the toilets? This isn’t the scenario where you clog the toilet, because you’re full of poop. This is throwing the entire roll into the toilet like it’s the final four during the NCAA championship and you have to make that shot. I tried to dry one of them out once. As you can imagine, it didn’t work. I’ve been reduced to using paper towels at times.
4. Why do my children stare at me while I’m asleep? There is nothing more horrifying then rolling over in your bed, opening your eyes for a split second, and seeing another pair of eyes staring at you. My kids jump from bed to bed every night, so I should be used to this. * Hello, it’s me*
5. Why do I bother cooking meals for these kids? They eat air. They survive on nothing. Unless it’s something sweet. I have to hide cookies and candy in our house, because the kids go nuts over it. A few months ago, Fiona walked into the living room with a cookie in her hand. I asked her if Maeve had given it to her from the pantry, because I had locked them up, but Maeve is a ninja, so you never know. Fiona replied with, “No, she found it in the garbage. Still tastes good.” What I took away from that convo was that I can cook fancy meals for dinner, but my kids will probably find something better in the garbage.
6. What the hell is so hard about being in the car? YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRIVE. You can sit in your little car seat and watch a movie. Read a book. Color some shit. I don’t know. Just don’t be an asshole. Maeve cried for seven hours straight on one of our car rides to visit with family. SEVEN HOURS. Not cool Maeve, not cool.
7. Why do my kids rub their boogers on me all the time? Every single time I wear Lucie in the Ergo, she digs her nose into my chest and gets rid of all of her snot on my boobs. It’s the grossest thing to happen to me aside from that one time I was pregnant and shit my pants. (I’m not quite ready to divulge that story yet.)
8. Why do my children think it’s ok to scream all day long? They scream when they’re happy/excited/sad/scared/upset/angry/amused/joyful. It’s cute at first. Then it’s not cute at all. A few days ago I said, “IF YOU DON’T STOP SCREAMING MY BRAIN WILL EXPLODE.” They didn’t even bat a lash. They were probably thinking, “Oh, really? I’d love to see that.”
9. Why are car seats so IMPOSSIBLE?! Who decided to share the instructions in some foreign language only 2%?of the people understand.. There are so many rules. I can’t keep up. I obviously want to keep my kid alive, but there’s so much stress to have the right car seat, with the right straps, with the right little cup holder for your toddler. I’d like to just buckle them in, hand them a book (haha, just kidding, I’ll hand them an iPad), and a snack and call it a day. Instead, I look back in my rear view mirror 1,000 times as I drive to the grocery store.
10. This is incredibly common, but I still need to ask it. Why can’t I just use the restroom alone? Do my kids get some sort of joy watching me pee? Sometimes I have to run. No. That’s not accurate. Sometimes I SPRINT to the bathroom, getting there just in time to lock the door. By the time I’m sitting on the toilet, there are several tiny humans banging on the door asking for string cheese and Sesame Street. I’ve given away all my modesty and dignity. I’m going to do it to them one day. I look forward to that day, let