Yo. YO. YOOOO.
What the FUCK is going on with the world? It’s September 22, 2017. It’s the first day of fall, my absolute favorite season. Growing up in New England, I spent a lot of time walking around town while viewing all of the beautiful foliage. People travel from all over the world to see the leaves fall from the trees of Litchfield, Connecticut. If you aren’t familiar with Connecticut, sit down and watch an episode of Gilmore Girls. (But lets be real, you can’t watch just ONE episode of Gilmore Girls. You have to watch the entire series, and then you have to watch the Netflix special that came out last year.)
I am a basic bitch. I like the leaves. I like wearing Uggs. I like thick wool sweaters from England. I like leggings. I like layers. I LOVE PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES. * GIVE ME THE PUMPKIN SPICE*
But, I can’t enjoy any of those things right now. Why?
BECAUSE, I’M SWEATING LIKE IT’S THE FOURTH OF JULY AND I’M RIDING A FIREWORK STRAIGHT INTO THE SUN.
My children turn into monsters in the heat. They’re thirsty. They’re hungry. They’re hot. They need me to hold them all at the same time. They just CAN’T walk anymore because their feet hurt. They need ice cream. They need popsicles. They need a ton of useless shit, but all I want is a cool breeze, a fuzzy blanket, and a pumpkin spice chai tea latte.
I’ve been doing some thinking, and I think the only way to get over the fact that it’s EIGHTY-NINE EFFING DEGREES IN MICHIGAN RIGHT NOW is to call up Mr. Trump.
Yes, I am going to call that asshole. I need someone to blame for my extreme uncomfortableness while I slowly sweat away into a puddle of nothing.
I would like to say, “Hey, dick head! IS GLOBAL WARMING REAL NOW? What do you think? Actually, you’re probably in luck. Because, if it’s nice and HOT outside all year round, you can start getting an ACTUAL tan instead of that orange spray tan shit that you seem to enjoy so much. Also-MOVE ASIDE. MOVE. ASIDE. Al Gore is on his way back to the White House with a little film for you to watch, An Inconvenient Truth. I’m pretty sure there’s also An Inconvenient Truth: 2.
All I’m saying is, I want to put away my summer clothes. I want to put away all of my kids’ summer clothes. I’ve tried to like six different times. I hate having shorts and cozy fall leggings next to each other in the drawers. It gives me anxiety. And, I’m sick of fucking sunscreen. It gets everywhere. Underneath your nails, on your eyeball, sometimes in your mouth. *It’s the simple things in life…apple cider and donuts from Yates Cider Mill*
I’m going to bitch and moan about this heat wave until it starts snowing. When it starts snowing, I’ll probably write a blog about how much I love sunshine and warmth. The grass is always greener, unless you’re dealing with a draught right now, which is a very real threat. For now, I’m going to sit here with my AC running at max, a very cold can of Diet Coke in my hand, and my middle finger up. Fuck off global warming! I want FOLIAGE AND COFFEE.