I’m only sharing this, because I’m going to need a lot of moral support today.

I have nothing important to say.

 

Nothing at all.

 

But, I do have something HORRIFIC to share…

 

ONE OF MY KIDS POOPED IN A BACK PACK AND LEFT IT THERE FOR A WEEK.

 

I almost died. In fact, the stench from the poop could have killed just about anyone.

 

That’s it.

 

My kid pooped in a back pack.

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones…

When I was a kid, my parents had this cool double fireplace in the house. You could feel the warmth from the fire in the kitchen and in the living room. I remember sitting on the  edge and watching my dad cook dinner through the flames. That’s one of the few things I remember about my first home. My mom with my mother and father, a home that I would never have again.

18519694_10102025902048337_2465952998210357151_n*chillaxin’ on the porch of my parents house*

The other houses that I lived in while  growing up went from apartments, condos, three family houses, big houses, small houses, and a bed and breakfast. Sometimes these places felt like home, sometimes they didn’t. I spent so much time going back and forth between my divorced parents households, that I became kind of aloof to the concept of having a home.

 

Especially, if you’re a firm believe that home is where the heart is. 

K9931

My heart followed me to these houses, but I always left too soon for my heart to call the houses home.

I grew up like a gypsy, here there and everywhere. Different houses for holidays and different houses for birthdays. It was confusing for a little kid. It wasn’t anyones fault, but I just remember always feeling like I wanted to pull my heart out of my chest, make it a super comfy bed, surrounded it with its favorite things, and finally be able to call one of these places home.

Of course, there was always an exception to the rule. Four exceptions.

When I would arrive at my GG and Grandpas house, I instantly felt like it was home. I shed all my worries, I shed all my tears. I watched my Grandpa play the same damn song on his keyboard for hours on end. It filled my heart. I sat next to my GG in the living  In her living room, holding her hand, talking about my teenage life. I slept over there more times than I can count. It was my happy place.

 

Another home that made my heart feel full was my Grammie and Grampies house. I spent many, many nights sleeping over in their house too. My Gram and I would rent movies and eat sour gummy worms. One time, as legend has it, I made my Grampie walk down the street very late one evening to get me an ice cream sandwich. I was sure that I would never be happy ever again I didn’t get that vanilla chocolate goodness.

 

Whenever I spend time at my Aunt Bertas house (who’s mother was my GG), I feel like the weight of the world falls off my shoulders. Even now, as an adult, spending time in her home with my Uncle Matt, feels like home.  The walls are covered with happy memories, the atmosphere is full of love and understanding. When I was a little girl at Bertas house, we spent some time looking out her picture window. A lightening bug landed on the window and I looked at her with such awe saying, ” Oh! Tinker-bell!” I hope my kids have that same experience with her.

943552_10100448352165947_966090294_n-1*This was taken at my house, but our GGB brings so much love to our home*

I love my parents so much, and I know they’re going to read this and probably think, ” HEY! What about us??! We gave you plenty of homes.” I always had a roof over my head, delicious meals on the table, tons and tons of wonderful family time. But, for some reason, I grew up thinking that I didn’t really belong at either home. I was a nomad.

 

Last, but not least, the ocean. The ocean is where my heart is the happiest. The sound of the waves, the sand squishing into my toes, the peace of seeing the moons reflection on the water. When I moved to Chicago eleven years ago, something inside of me seemed lost. I lived on Lake Michigan. I went to the beach all of the time. But Lake Michigan isn’t the ocean. There’s no salt water in your hair. There’s no waves that are so large they almost scare you, but you ride them anyway. The ocean is where we all began, and where we all return . A few years back we released my grandparents ashes off of the pier of rocks on the beach in Connecticut. They’re part of the ocean now, they’ve made it home for me.

184737_10100299281165427_260936851_n*closing day*

But, here I am back in Michigan, a thousand miles away from the ocean. I have a house that is filled with three beautiful children, two obnoxious cats, and one very dumb dog. (Love you Wrigley!). We’ve spent five years making it our home. Each baby that we bring home from the hospital makes it more and more like a place our hearts can rest. There’s so many things that make a house a home, but until then I’ll remember what the sea smells like, how the sand can get stuck in your shoes, and how you feel endless opportunity while gazing off on the pier onto the water.

 

11143367_10101232115817307_8211773696595788746_n*home, where I wanted to go*

Bear.

My dear, beautiful Bear,

 

How can I even begin to sum up the joy that you have brought to my life, before you were even outside of my womb? You were the first. Just like me, just like your dad. The excitement surrounding your impending arrival into this world was something I had never experienced, nor did I know possible. It was magical. It was mysterious.  I laid awake at night wishing and hoping you’d kick, so I wouldn’t feel less alone. Your daddy had to work a lot, so it mostly just you and I trying to make Michigan our home. I washed your clothes in that stupid Dreft stuff. (Still wondering why that shit is so expensive.)

970698_10200673199305871_672312130_n*You were about ready to come out right about here*

Every singe breath I took while doing yoga, was no longer a  breath for me, it was a breath for us. I put my hand on my belly and said, ” Hi baby, I’m your mama”. I always cried. Literally, even single class. It was almost embarrassing.

You were the only child we decided to find out the gender for. I had spent years in Chicago as an actress at night, and days to a few families full of boys. I could play baseball all the time. (GO CUBBIES GO… well, until next year.) I could score some sweet soccer moves…ok. No, I couldn’t . I suck at sports. I liked to impress them by telling them that my uncle was a Major League Soccer Coach for the Columbus Crew and I had the opportunity to sing the national anthem at Crew Stadium when I was a freshman in college for the MLS playoffs.   Their response would be, ” Yeah, but can you TRY THIS TIME actually kick the ball into the goal?” I loved to build fortresses in the sand box at the park. I loved to line up their race cars and see which one went the fastest.

I also babysat for an incredible family with two daughters. They have now become part of our family. I spent countless hours writing plays, wearing tutus, watching ” Jessie” on the Disney channel,  making weird magic potions in their kitchen. We would watch every Disney movie, make popcorn, and snuggle while I sang them to sleep for a decade.

 

(Side note: FUCK JESSIE. I hate that stupid show with every fiber in my being and I hate that I even decided to mention it, because that stupid, stupid, STUPID DUMB THEME SONG IS IN MY HEAD. So, Fiona, if you want to make Mama happy- DO NOT WATCH IT. I’ll throw the TV right out. UGH.)

 

I also had the privilege to spend time with my two beautiful cousins. My aunt and uncle were one of the main reasons I decided to move to Chicago. I loved babysitting for them and watching my brave, smart, opinionated, special cousins as often as I could.

 

What I”m trying to say here is that I had plenty of experience with kids. I started getting a little cocky around 16 weeks pregnant. I was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN THAT YOU WERE A BOY. I thought boys were easy. I would let you outside, let you run around in the mud, and call it a day. You’d love trains and cars. None of that princess shit.  I will admit though, I was absolutely terrified to change you diaper if it had a penis in it. Just keepin’ it real over here.

I laid on the table as your daddy held my hand while the technician put cold gel on my barely there bump. She started showing us the various organs and I was thinking, ” Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever… WHAT IS IT?”

 

A girl.

” I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

A girl.

” How accurate are these ultrasounds?”

 

I watched Daddy’s face go white. I saw his mind spinning. He was mentally making a checklist for any boy or girl that ever would want to date you. I didn’t even realize how HUGE the smile on my face was. Don’t get me wrong, I was terrified. I”m still terrified, but a daughter. My daughter. I thought you would look like me, have the same interests as me and together as a mommy-daughter team, we could take over the world.

IMG_5136*sometimes, we bake…*

Haha. HAHAHA. First time moms are so cute. 

Originally we were going to name you Aoife, which is Ava in Gaelic, but my family begged us not to torture you  with that. What kindergarten teach is going to know how to say that in Detroit, Michigan. None. The answer is none.

So, I let your Daddy pick your name. Lots of people think we named you after Fiona Apple, because I”m basically obsessed with her. That had nothing to do with it. Daddy wanted you to be his Fiona, and I chose your middle name, Margaret, to honor the life of my precious grandmother.

So, now you’re four and you make me late for literally everything. I can’t remember the last time we were on time for anything at all. But, you did make your grand entrance ON YOUR DUE DATE.

They said it couldn’t be done. I said, ” Fuck off, I”m having this baby today.” Granted, you came out a little more dramatic than I would have preferred, but you were finally here. Finally in my arms. I could almost physically feel my heart grow, explode, grow some more, explode some more. I didn’t want anyoene else to hold you. I placed you on my breast and it was a beautiful moment. ( HAHAHAHA. No it wasn’t. It sucked, literally and figuratively. You were trying to kill me with your inability to latch. Big shout out to all of the Lactation Consultants out there, you saved my life.) I couldn’t stop looking at your tiny fingers and long legs. Other than that, you didn’t look a thing like me. You are your fathers twin. Your blonde hair (what little of it you had) was beautiful. Your gummy smile warmed my soul over and over again.

You made me a mommy, Fiona Margaret.

947360_10200701796300778_1687657825_n*This is Us*

Before you I was selfish. Before you I didn’t care what happened to my body or my mind. I wanted to spend my life numb. I put on a huge act for everyone, so that no one would worry. Something about becoming your mother changed that. I’m not saying this, because I want you to feel the pressure of aways keeping me happy in life, but your birth was a turning point for me. How can I even begin to thank you for that? You showed me the mystery of life. You showed me the wonder of birth. I realized I had to take care of myself for the rest of my life, because you needed me.

20799783_10102187734644517_868879360969540009_n*stop growing up!*

You will always need me. I could have sat and wallowed in my postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, and you know what? Sometimes, I do. More than I wish I did. But, I look at you when you ask me to come play, and my heart melts. I let you sleep in my bed still, because cuddling you at night is still the most powerful moment of the day and night.

11074155_10101113310558997_4325101330229421730_n*Enjoying the view at GGB’s house*

The time is going to fast. I remember the day you sat up on your own for the first time. My next thought was, ” Well, shit, pretty soon she’ll be asking for the car keys to go meet up with her friends.” When you were itty bitty we did yoga together, I didn’t realize you were even paying attention. Now, at four years old you and I practice yoga or workout together in the basement so that we can be healthy and strong.

 

You amaze me. Every day. Even when I’m screaming at you, like today when I said, ” IF YOU DON’T STOP BOTHERING MAEVE RIGHT NOW I AM STOPPING THE CAR AND KICKING YOU OUT.” I”m such a great mom.

1234172_10100726410335147_756170434_n*seemed like a good idea at the time*

You love school, you love the outdoors, you love your cousins and family all across the country. You love to giggle with Maeve and you love to hold your baby sister Lucie. You’re still growing, and I watch you with happiness and also a twing of sadness. It won’t always be like this. There’s going to come a day where you will think you won’t need me anymore.

I speak from experience. You will always need me, and I will always answer your call.

I call you Bear, because there’s no efficient nick name for Fiona. Fi? Eh. Fi Fi? I think that sounds like a dog name, although I do let two of your grandparents call you that. I decided we would call you Nona Bear, until someone pointed out to me that Nona means grandmother in Italian… so Bear it was!

 

You are my bear. You give me nose kisses to wake me up in the morning. You give me big bear bear hugs. You let me hold you as if you were still my little baby when you know I’m having a tough day. You are wise beyond your years.

 

It is an honor being your mother, Bear.

21317530_10102224612745507_4260930839800514326_n

Motherhood: The Land of Lonely

When you announce your pregnancy, everyone is excited. Everyone has a million things to tell you about parenting. People want to express their feelings on feeding your baby, how your baby will sleep, whether you should vaccinate or not and everything else you can imagine. People love to tell you how wonderful it is to hold your amazing, precious baby skin to skin. People love to tell you how beautiful the relationship between a child and a mother is.

All of these things are true. It is amazing to give birth. It is amazing to hold your baby. It is amazing to bring your baby home and turn your house into a home. There’s lots of awesome things that happen the second you become a parent.

But, no one prepares you for the lonely. How could they? If we all sat around talking about how isolation as a mother is completely debilitating, no one would ever reproduce.

 

I have a hard time committing to anything. I like options. I like an exit strategy. If there’s something I need to give myself fully to, I have to go big or go home. If I don’t, I”ll end up running in the other direction. Getting married and pregnant within three months is a perfect example. I was twenty-five years old when I took that positive pregnancy test.

TWENTY-FIVE. Literally, still a baby myself. I didn’t realize how much of the world I had yet to see. I didn’t realize how every single priority in my life would change. I had no idea that I would lose and gain friends over and over again.

It’s hard to be a mother when most of your friends aren’t. I totally get it. If I didn’t have kids, I would still be living in Chicago. I would still be doing theater, my first love. I would still think about my future and how I could leave my mark on the world.

Now, I realize raising my children to be decent and honest human beings is how I’m going to leave my mark. It’s going to be a very large mark if Maeve has anything to do with it. ( Love my little wild child.)

 

How can you possibly explain that to someone who’s not yet a mother? I used to sit in the dark, breastfeeding my kid, scrolling through my Facebook feed religiously. My baby would be farting on my leg, while I would see pictures of my friends out on the town doing shots of Jameson and dancing to Snoop Dog. My heart would turn green with envy. I wanted to be there with them. I wanted to experience life. I wanted to travel. I wanted to make mistakes. I wanted to hike. I wanted to cover my body in tattoos, reminding myself of my journey. I wanted to be able to sit outside in the sun while reading a book.

 

Instead, I was knee deep in poop, barf, and stretch marks. Sometimes, I would sit on my couch, tears rolling down my face, baby on my boob, just wishing I could go out. Wishing I could live the life I led before kids. As fast as those feelings would come, they would almost immediately be replaced with guilt. Over and over again.

I told myself to shut up and stop whining. I had a beautiful, healthy baby. I had a home. I had a car. I had no reason to feel sorry for myself.

 

Except, I had no one to tell this to. I couldn’t pick up the phone and call my person. I couldn’t call anyone. I got married young and started my family young. I made the choices I made, but leaving my independent life was the hardest.

 

You’re probably thinking, ” Join a mom group! Go to story time at the library! Go here, go there, just do it!”

 

Yeah…um… ok. I suffered for so long with the postpartum shit and when you’re going through that, the last thing you want to do is go to a freaking mom group. I didn’t want to sit in a circle, sing some songs, and compare myself to every perfect mom there. I wanted to sit here, in my house, feeling sorry for myself.

Even five years later, I still feel sorry for myself sometimes.

 

They say it takes a village. It does. Especially, when you’ve moved to a new state with no family or friends. That’s not to say that I haven’t made friends. I have. I have made amazing, wonderful, generous, kind friends. I’m SO grateful for that. Most of these friends have kids, so they get it. They understand that you have to leave at 7:30 pm, because you don’t fuck around with bedtime. That shit needs to be on schedule. They understand when you can’t make it out to lunch, because your baby pooped all over you.

 

I’ve had a few villages. Some of them turned out to suck. Some of them were awesome, but they weren’t the friends I grew up with.

 

They weren’t the people who knew about my first kiss, my parents divorce, my dreams of being an actress, my eating disorder, my love of the ocean and my hatred of camping. I missed those people. My people.

 

It gets better. I wouldn’t have believed that a few years ago, but it does. At some point, I took my lazy ass out. I went to playgroups. I went to family yoga. I forced myself to introduce myself and my kids to every mom I could make eye contact with. I came out of the darkness of lonely with a pretty awesome circle of friends. They’re funny, understanding, kind, generous, willing and honest.

That’s hard to come by. I hate saying this, because it’s so cliche, but I feel blessed.

 

There’s still an empty hole where my past life used to live. A life where staying up until 4 am doing karaoke was normal. A life with keggers and nachos. ( I did throw a kegger this past year. And yes, I did keg stands, because I’m THE COOLEST MOM EVER.) A life where things were so much more simple.

 

It’s a grieving process, letting all of that go. It also takes a significant amount of time, love and patience to keep those special people in your life.

 

I’m still grieving, but I’m hopeful. I used to think it was black and white. Friends with no kids, friends with kids.

 

Life with friends is so much better than a life without. I’ll take them anyway I can. My village is not the same, it’s not complete, but it’s made up of people who love and care about me… even if I show up with my shirt inside out and someones poop on my arm.

 

(Side note: I listened to this the entire time I wrote this blog. I have a flair for the dramatics…)

 

 

(Last side note: Don’t get it twisted, I’m definitely an NSYNC fan. FOREVER AND ALWAYS… but this song cracks me up and I felt it necessary to share.)

A bloody good cuppa.

I’m not British, but I was raised by a woman who just so happens to be from across the pond. I spent most of my childhood trying to work on my faux accent, while sipping on excellent, imported tea from the UK.

As far as I can remember, whenever I’m upset, tired, happy, cold, confused, excited, or any other kind of state of mind you can think of… I always have a cup of tea.

Failed that midterm? Time for tea. Just got engaged?! Time for tea. Woke up with a tummy ache? TEA!

TEA CURES ALL.

 

I remember the night I met my stepmom. She wasn’t my stepmom at that moment, but she was a stranger. She had a funny accent. She was dating my dad. MY DAD. No one was allowed to date my dad. My parents had been divorced for .5 seconds. I had a home with my mom. I had a home with my dad. There was no room for anyone else. I’ve always been a Daddy’s girl. The night I met this foreigner was a night like many other nights. My Aunt Berta ( My Berta Boo, and now my kids GGB), my Grandpa and my GG were all sitting around after a long day. My dad wanted to introduce this strange, new person to us all together. Her name was Clare. She was from England. My dad was head over heels. I was not. I was not prepared to share my father with anyone else. It was he and I against the world, or at least that’s what my memories are.

I can’t remember what we talked about that night. I can’t remember when he and Clare left, but I do remember what happened immediately after. My Berta Boo poured me a cup of tea. I was seven. She filled it with milk and enough sugar to make my teeth fall out, but it tasted like comfort. It tasted like everything was going to be fine. Even as an adult, when I spend time with my Berta Boo, there’s always a cup of tea involved.

There’s much to be said about the comfort of a good cuppa.

 

I spent countless nights at my Grandpa and GG’s house after that night. I loved being there. After my Grandpa would go to bed, my GG and I would drink tea while watching reruns of The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Rhoda on TV Land. Sometimes, we’d drink peach champagne… but that’s another story for another day.

Some kids have a blanket or a soft companion that calms them. When I was a kid, I had tea. Even now, as an adult, I have tea.

 

As my ice cold heart melted, (with the help of tea, I’m quite sure of it…), a good cuppa became something that my stepmom and I bonded over. Her family in England would send over the best that Tetley had to offer, and we would start every Sunday morning with a family breakfast and tea. Tea became the glue that bound Clare and I together. I can’t remember where we were, or why it was said, but I remember Clare saying to me, ” I’ll be super, you be glue. We’ll stick together and get through this.”

IMG_2593*Nanny & Maevie*

I should write an advertisement for Tetley… ” Tetley tea, bringing together families all over the world.”

Another fond memory I have of tea is connected to another one of my parents, my stepdad. His name is Dave and I spent most of my teenage years making his life, as well as my other parents life, a living hell. I yelled. I screamed. I ran away. I threw house parties. I dated bad boys. I drank his vodka and tried to fill it back up with water, because I figured he wouldn’t notice.

 

He noticed.

 

My stepdad and mom are a bit like gypsies. They move a lot. They thrive on change and the challenge of turning a house into a home. It used to bug the shit out of me, but now I think I kind of get it. I’m thirty-one and I’m still searching for a place that I can call home.

 

One of these homes that Dave and my mom decided to take on, was a bed and breakfast. I was almost fourteen and I was excited for the adventure of living in an extremely old house with secret attics, weird hallways, and a dark basement full of ghosts (again, another story for another time, but we had ghosts… STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES. WE HAD GHOSTS, OK!??!). My stepdad loved to cook, so it wasn’t a huge step for him to take on the role of Chef at this historic B&B in the middle of Connecticut. My sister and I moved to the third floor of the house, our own private suite. On the second floor of the house there was a little pantry for guests. There was a mini fridge with soda and water. There was a microwave for popcorn, where almost EVERY SINGLE GUEST almost burnt down the house. Apparently, making microwavable popcorn is as challenging as trying to figure out rocket science. There was also a water cooler thing that would make cold or hot water. My stepdad stocked the pantry with various teas for guests if they wanted a cup or two of tea. English breakfast, Earl Grey, Camomile, Jasmine, and green tea were available twenty-four hours a day, alongside sugar and cream. I spent a significant amount of time screaming at my stepdad, which led to a significant amount of time being grounded. I would hide in my room, watch MTV, and plot my revenge. Sometimes, while plotting, I would sneak down the stairs from the third floor and walk up to the guests pantry area. I would make myself a cup of English breakfast and would take it back to my room. I’d sip on it as I watched ” Making the Video” and ” Behind the Music”. I don’t think he ever realized, even to this day, that having that tea so close was a lifeline for me. A good cup of tea was my anti-anxiety medication. A good cup of tea had the capability to turn a bad day around. He restocked the tea all the time, and I have no idea if he even realized it was me, drinking it all. Over a decade later, when I visit my parents in New York, he somehow always has my favorite ready to be steeped and poured.

D547EB6C-236D-469F-B3D9-BF9A410EB480*Grampie & Maevie*

 

 

Once again, TEA. THE ULTIMATE HEALER OF ALL WOUNDS OLD AND NEW. (I should make a billboard.)

My children drink tea. Can you believe it? I let a two year old and a four year old drink tea. Sometimes, the tea has caffeine in it. SCANDAL! INSANITY! TERRIBLE PARENTING!

…but you know what? It has that same calming affect on them too.

A few weeks ago, my oldest woke up with a tummy ache and growing pains. I carried her down to the living room, sat her on the couch, and the first thing I asked her was, ” Want a cup of tea? It’ll help.” Her reply was, ” Yes.” She felt better half an hour later.

 

We have tea parties almost everyday. Sometimes we have tea parties with lemonade, but for the most part, we have tea parties with tea. We laugh. We talk. We pretend we’re eating fancy British tea sandwiches and cookies. We create memories that I will cherish forever.

 

Tea. It’s just some leaves placed in a bag that you dip in hot water, right?

 

No.

 

It’s more than that to me. Tea has brought me together with two individuals that I am proud to call my parents, even though I already had a mom and a dad. Tea isn’t going to solve world hunger or impeach Donald Trump (damnit, I wish it could.), but it may comfort you in the moments where you just need to stop. Stop and breathe. Stop and breathe and fill your belly with warmth.

She said what?!?!

So, I”m really digging this whole blog-life thing I’ve got going on right now. It’s been wonderfully therapeutic for my postpartum shit and just general life shit.

I used the word shit twice in one sentence. 

It’s been hard out here for a sarcastic bitch like myself, to find my way out of the dark, fucking hole that postpartum depression and anxiety threw me in.

Uh oh…I said bitch and fucking in one sentence.

But damnit, I’m a survivor. I’m a woman. I’m a really great cook, which is surprising. I recovered from a decade long eating disorder. I’m a mother. I’m a singer. I’m a very bad dancer. I’m fucking Wonder Woman in the flesh, my friends.

I said it again. DAMNIT! Fuck.

 

I love and respect my family, very, very much. I usually stretch myself in every single direction trying to make all four of my parents (yes, I have four.) and siblings happy. I want to be there for every major life event, even though I live like 800 miles away. Actually, I think it’s closer to 880 miles. I’m extremely lucky to have the family I have. They are supportive. They are loving. They are generous. They are kind.

 

But they hate it when I swear. Hate it. 

 

I remember being twelve and in a ballet class with a few girls who were older than me. They knew I went to a very conservative, Christian school, and I had never dropped the F bomb. These prima ballerinas pushed me in a corner and made me say, ” FUCK!” as loud as I could. It came out as a whisper. I thought God was going to smite me from Heaven right then and there. But, the seed had been planted. I enjoyed having a few new words in my vocabulary.

In order to be my authentic self ( Pretty sure that’s an Oprah phrase…), I swear on this blog. I swear a lot. I say shit, bitch, fuck, damnit… I could go on and on. There’s a few words I won’t say, but generally I swear a lot. I also do this in front of my kids.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? This mother says FUCK on a regular basis in front of her children! BLASPHEMY! What kind of fucking mother says those kind of fucking words in front of her kids?

A mother who is actively teaching her children that when Mama says a word that’s an adult word, it can only be used by an adult. I’d rather teach my daughters how to swear in the proper context than teach them how to use words like hate, idiot, or loser. That’s not to say that they haven’t repeated an adult word. Fiona dropped the F bomb and Maeve said, ” Oh, shit!” once. Pretty priceless, but both were used in an appropriate situation. See? My little shit heads pay attention. ( Ok, I never actually call them shit heads to their face, that’s only behind their backs when they’ve taken a sharpie to my kitchen walls or decided to wake me up at 4 am on a Tuesday, because they REALLY can’t sleep and REALLY want to watch Trolls for the 90,000th time.)

 

Take it or leave it baby, but this is a blog written by a tattoo’d, swearing, wine loving, tea drinking, mother of three fierce daughters. I’m not changing who I am in order to avoid offending anyone.

 

My next blog post will discuss how my gluten free life style has made rainbows shoot out of my ass and cured my hypothyroidism. 

 

Just kidding. That would be some stupid fucking bullshit right there.

 

Life’s no fun without a good scare.

It’s finally October.

FINALLY.

I love autumn so very much, and I feel like we’ve all been waiting weeks for cool weather and crisp foliage. I’m personally grateful for temperatures below 70 degrees and the return of  warm apple cider. Yum, yum, yum.

I grew up in Connecticut and no one does October quite like Connecticut. The hills are filled with brilliant yellows, oranges and deep reds. It even smells like October in Connecticut. Everyone starts burning wood in their fireplaces and visiting pumpkin patches with long hay rides.

It’s pretty cool. I keep hoping that Michigan will also give me that warm, fuzzy feeling about the fall season too, but unfortunately it’s still 80 fucking degrees here. IT’S OCTOBER.  I can’t deal.

Anyway…

When I was a kid, my dad and stepmom lived on Meadow Street in Litchfield. Good ‘ol Meadow street. It was a legendary destination for a young trick or treater in the upper west corner of the constitution state. The street was always filled with hundreds of kids and their parents knocking on every door. Meadow Street was the place to be. My dad would dress up as a scarecrow and scare the bejesus out of poor, unsuspecting adolescents. BOO!

My mom on the other hand, went through this weird phase where she and my stepdad felt that Halloween was an evil holiday. The Devil’s night. She made me spend a halloween in a church basement bobbing for apples. I remember seeing other peoples spit floating in the water. It was gross, SO GROSS. Luckily, they moved past the ” Halloween = Devil Worship” phase pretty quickly.

 

In college, I used Halloween as an excuse to dress up like an absolute idiot. Tight, sparkly, dumb costumes that showed off my greatest asset.

73846_659646716017_641514_n*you can practically see my vagina with these shorts*

1909653_537747028967_6937_n*ok, this one was LEGENDARY*

My ass.  (Side note: I’ll lock my children up until they’re forty years old if they ever try to pull that shit and leave the house looking the way I did.)

So, now that I have a few kids, I try to think of some really clever costumes.

That’s a lie. I tried once and I failed.

I thought it would be perfect for my daughter Fiona to be an apple. Unfortunately, no one got it. She looked like a tomato. Honestly, I was pretty shocked that NO ONE EVEN KNEW WHO FIONA APPLE WAS. How can you not know who Fiona Apple was? A LIVING LEGEND PEOPLE, A LIVING LEGEND.

1460241_10100952383877357_199712072964343860_n*Fiona Apple*

 

Last year, I let Fiona decide what she wanted to be. She immediately told me that she was going to be Elsa (DUH.), Maeve would be Ana, Daddy would be Kristof, Wrigley (our super annoying, and yet extremely lovable dog) would be Sven and I would be Olaf.

Lucky me. I had a big ‘ol preggo belly, so Olaf wasn’t that much of a stretch. Although, I did ask if I was appointed to be Olaf as a fat joke.

14937464_10101737495078217_3810649289040867636_n*Good times people, good times*

 

So, now that this haunting season is upon us, my children have taken a very strong liking to ” The Nightmare Before Christmas” and ” The Corpse Bride”. They are obsessed with all things scary. I let them watch ” Coraline” today, and I’m pretty sure I was more horrified than the both of them. Last year, Fiona found some googley eye balls at the store. She then proceeded to hide them all over the house with the hopes that we would stumble upon them and scream with fright. (I found eyeballs all over my house until Christmas. Seriously.)

maxresdefault*nothing creepy about this at all…*

 

This is all very puzzling to me, because I won’t even go in a damn haunted house. NOPE. NEVER. The last time I attempted to go inside one, I had to be removed by paramedics, because I had an asthma attack.

I know. Laugh all you want, but that effing clown room ruined me for life.

RUINED.

This year Fiona decided that she and Maeve are going to be witches. My theory behind this is that they both want to learn some spells to cast upon me. They’re running out of ideas of how to torture me everyday. I’m not even kidding. I thought it might be kind of funny if we dressed Lucie up as Lucifer, but that didn’t go over very well.

Apparently, I’m the only one that thought dressing up my eight month old baby as the devil was a good idea. (Get it? Lucille as Lucifer? BRILLIANT!)

 

In the meantime, I’m going to scout out places in my house where I can hide every single Reese’s peanut butter cups that they get from my neighbors. Perhaps, I’ll set up some booby trap of my own with some googley eyes.

Trick or treat my friends, trick or treat.

 

070f443f628abab840ebab58306fff1b--halloween-movies-disney-halloween*t